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Best of TV

First, because I’m expecting a lot of outrage from obsessive TV watchers, let me explain the methodology for my choices. In ranking a show, I am comparing it not only to all the other series out there, but also to previous seasons of the show. This would explain, for example, the relatively low ranking of The Wire, whose fifth and final season, while better than anything else on TV, was weaker than the four seasons that preceded it. And let me apologize for not including Mad Men. I just don’t get all the fuss about it.


The Best Shows



1) Lost

Let’s start by taking a moment to laugh at all of those who gave up on Lost during the admittedly weak first six episodes of the third season. Then, let’s take another moment to laugh at those who suggested Heroes was a better show than Lost. The thing is, Lost never really lost (yes, that’s an obvious pun) its mojo. Even the supposedly slow second season is awesome when watched continuously on DVD. But the shortened fourth season is easily the best and most audacious season yet. The sci-fi elements came to the fore, the pace quickened and the few flashbacks there were (Locke being continuously visited by Richard Alpert being the most prominent) gave answers about questions that mattered rather than explaining where Jack got his tattoos. The more prominent role played by Ben Linus (Michael Emerson), who along with Terry O’Quinn is the best actor on the show, also helped with the quality of the season, Think back to the best moments of the season, and chances are they will involve Ben. The desperation in Ben’s voice as, in an unsuccessful gambit, he frantically tells Keamy that he really doesn’t care about his daughter and the shattered look on his face after she is killed. And who can ever forget the chilling moment in the finale when Ben takes his revenge by frantically stabbing Keamy? As Locke asks him what he’s done, Ben chillingly replies, “So.” It was the frequency of these little moments that keep the mythology of the show believable. Jin asking Sun, “Is the baby mine?”, Sawyer whispering in Kate’s ear before taking a plunge from the helicopter and, of course, The Constant, which would surely top every list for best episode of the year. I must admit I was close to tears when Desmond met Penny in the past (or did that count as the present?) and begged her to give him his phone number. The 2004 phone call at the end of the episode was similarly heartbreaking and handled with extreme sensitivity.



2) The Office




For the purposes of this list, I am only including those episodes which aired in 2008, which would include the tail end of season four and the first nine episodes of season five. For a more detailed dissection of what makes The Office the most consistently funny comedy on television (sorry, 30 Rock fans), check out this New Yorker piece comparing the US and British versions of the show. I’m going to mainly concentrate on Amy Ryan. Her character Holly, who replaced Toby in Human Resources in the season four finale, was the perfect foil for Michael. She can be as naïve as Michael (the way she believed that Kevin is mentally challenged, whose behavior hilariously did nothing to challenge that notion) and as dorky (the Lazy Scranton rap in the first episode of this season and the Physical parody in the second). Ryan’s send-off was also perfectly appropriate, as she and Michael sing Life is a Highway multiple times. Ultimately, Holly was a smarter version of Michael. Unlike him, she realized that a long-distance relationship wouldn’t work. Oh, and major props to the writers for the way they handled the Jim-Pam engagement. Getting two of your main characters together has destroyed lesser shows like Moonlighting and Cheers, but has only improved The Office.



3) Friday Night Lights




I really shouldn’t like this show. I hate teen soap operas and don’t understand American football. But none of that really matters when you have such a top notch ensemble. The second season, with its murder plot and general melodrama, was mediocre, but what should be the final season of this ratings-challenged is a return to form. The interaction between Mr and Mrs Coach may be the best thing about the show, but this season also brought out the best in Matt Saracen, Smash Williams and Jason Street. Plot is really of no consequence in FNL; the only reason to watch this show is its minute observations of small-town Texas and the fantastic acting.


4) The Wire



A journalist friend of mine once mis-defined penultimate in a story as more ultimate than ultimate rather than next to last. Both definitions would be appropriate for The Wire. While it would be a mistake to concentrate too much on individual episodes as The Wire is meant to be digested as a season-length arc, the penultimate episode always brings together the various storylines in immensely satisfying and uncontrived ways. In Late Edition, the second last episode of the final season, we learn the fate of the four children of the fourth season as Michael kills Snoop without any hint of violence or malice and is forced to say a tender goodbye to his beloved brother Bug. My only quibble with this season was the portrayal of the Baltimore Sun. Probably because I am a journalist myself, the depiction of the newspaper just didn’t ring true. Then again, if I was a dock worker, my least favorite season would probably be the second one.


5) Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles



Yes, I know how ridiculous this show is. It’s plot has as many holes as Heroes (which is surely the worst show on television) and Thomas Dekker and Shirley Manson are terribly wooden actors. But if you don’t think too much about it, this is actually a really fun show. Most of the credit for that goes to Summer Glau, who should be familiar to fans of Firefly. As the good terminator, she has shown some subtle signs of independence and human feeling, which should come to the fore if the show is renewed for another season. I’m hoping the upcoming Terminator movie with Christian Bale as John Connor will incorporate some elements of this show. Overall, each episode has enough thrills and twists to keep me watching. It is also the most improved show on TV after a boring first season.


Other random stuff from the year in television:



The funniest scene of the year: Alec Baldwin of 30 Rock channels Redd Fox and many others in increasingly hilarious impersonations. How does this guy not win every award out there while Jeremy Piven wins an Emmy every fucking year?



Best ever Devil: Ray Wise (a television legend for his role as Leland Palmer in Twin Peaks) plays the devil as a cross between a horny teenager and a used car salesman in Reaper.



A great performance in an otherwise mediocre show: John Noble as the mentally challenged genius in Fringe. His non-sequiters always have me laughing but he also manages to bring out some pathos.

The Mumbai Blasts

Alright, so writer/editor/analyst Nitin Pai of The Acorn and myself agreed to have a sort of public conversation on the Mumbai attacks and their aftermath. Below are the first two emails; I will follow with a third soon and hopefully Nitin will find the time to reply. Without further ado...
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Nitin,

In some ways, it feels like the dust has settled on the Mumbai attacks - at least on the discourse front - but in many other ways, it feels like the party's just getting started. The atmosphere on both sides of the border is unbearably tense. There was a report in Dawn about how a prank call from someone purporting to be Pranab Mukherjee put Pakistan's military on alert. I guess this is what it would feel like if Brad Pitt went over to Jennifer Aniston's parents' house during Thanksgiving, only if Pitt and Aniston both had nuclear weapons.

There are three sets of "things" about the attacks and the aftermath: the set of things which I know for sure, the set of things I'm not sure of, and the set of things that I'm completely lost on.

Things I know for sure

1. Having Asif Zardari in charge during a crisis is a bad thing

I bet even the lawyers are missing Musharraf right now. That guy was smooth, knew how to play the media game, and could talk up a storm. Zardari, on the other hand, is a bumbling idiot. He clearly learned nothing from his wife, who was even better at playing the rhetoric game than Musharraf (she was able to convince the entire establishment in DC and London that the chosen one from a feudal-aristocratic family was most attuned to democratic and liberal principles, for crying out loud). Zardari is liable to say or do something immensely stupid, which would be harmful at the best of times but can be near-apocalyptic during a crisis between two nuclear-armed states. Having a guy who confused the causes of World War I for the causes of World War II, or who went on Indian television and talked about instituting a no-first-use policy on nukes without running it by the people who actually decide nuclear policy in Pakistan in charge is a bad thing.

2. India's options are severely limited

India cannot launch an invasion or anything of the sort, because Pakistan has nuclear weapons. It cannot expect the U.S. to do its bidding to the extent that it would like because, as Negeen mentioned, Pakistan actually has leverage over the U.S. in the form of 100,000 troops on its western border (though this is not to say the U.S. won't do its bidding at all, quite the contrary). Even "low-level" responses, such as precision military strikes in Pakistani Kashmir are fraught with danger. Finally, doing nothing is perhaps the most unpalatable option of all: the Indian people, if my reading of various Indian newspapers and blogs is correct, want to throw a punch, for cathartic purposes if nothing else. But at this point, they cannot take anything other than extremely lame measures like calling off India's cricket tour to Pakistan or not allowing the release of some Shah Rukh Khan movie across the border.

I was leading my weekly discussion section this past Wednesday for a introductory course in international relations. It was all undergrads, but they're smart undergrads. So I asked them a simple question: "What would you do?" If you were an adviser to Manmohan Singh right now, I asked, what do you tell him? I was met with silence. I waited. Nothing. "No, seriously. What do you say to him?" Nothing. I waited a couple of seconds, before I moved on to discuss this week's readings, but it was telling that there wasn't even a suggestion.

3. This was not India's 9/11

The reason 9/11 was America's 9/11 was that the U.S, as a state, was not used to political violence. Of any kind. Even its civil rights movement was abnormally non-violent. The idea of civilians being targeted for political aims was not just anathema to them, but simply new.

This is the main reason that Mumbai is not India's 9/11. India is a violent country, by most standards. From secessionist movements to ethnic riots to religious violence, India has seen it all.

And yet the reaction to this episode easily outflanks the reaction to other forms of violence, even if they were more brutal in terms of lives cost. By way of illustration, not only was Narendra Modi not punished for aiding and abetting riots that killed more than 2000 people - ten times the casualties of the Mumbai attacks - but he and his party were in fact rewarded by being reelected.

There is, of course, a very simple reason for this dichotomy: notions of Self and Other. Identities, as Alex Wendt might say, constitute interests. Put differently, who we think we are - and, by extension, who we think we are not - will impact what we consider to be impacting our values and beliefs. It's clear to me from the mobilization of civil society in India in the last ten days that violence perpetrated by groups originating from Pakistan simply means something different than violence perpetrated by one's own, even if the latter costs more in terms of lives lost. We in Pakistan are no strangers to this phenomenon. Innocent civilians lost due to American drone attacks elicit a very different reaction than the Taliban bombing girls' schools does.

Things I don't know for sure

1. What the motives of the attacks were

Assuming we can abandon the language of evil-doers and killing for killing's sake, I am unsure of the precise motivations for the attacks. I suppose how one conceives of the motivations of the attackers is in part determined by how one conceives of the attackers themselves.

If, for instance, one considers the attackers to be operating as an extension of the arm of the Pakistani state, then there are two possibilities. First, the attackers wanted to widen the low-level war fought in Kashmir for two decades to the Indian "mainland". Second, and more convolutely, the attackers were sent to escalate tensions on the eastern border, thus affording the military and the ISI the opportunity to take forces away from the western border where they are fighting an unpopular and difficult war.

On the other hand, if the attackers are a relatively autonomous entity, the possibilities change. One idea could be to sow discord between Pakistan and India, retard the five-year peace process which would marginalize them if it actually came to fruition, and create operational and political space for them to operate. If this is the case, they have already succeeded. Another possibility could be that this was a replica of Bali, i.e., a targeting of westerners in an eastern country. If that is the case, it is merely another step in these groups' war against the west.

I really don't know.

2. Is there anything the Congress Party can do to stop the BJP winning elections next year?

Crises are usually good for political parties in power, if they handle them correctly. The Republicans in the U.S., for example, used the rally-round-the-flag effect for a good six years to stay in power, despite being terrible at leading and governing. The Indian case seems different to me, because as a distant observer, I sense a fair degree of pent-up frustration with Congress' ability to protect Indians, and this Mumbai attack seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Do you think Congress has a snowball's chance in hell next year? If yes, why?

Things I am completely lost on

1. How the Pakistani security establishment is going to change priorities, if at all

It's no secret that post-9/11, the military and the ISI have targeted militant groups that operate against domestic targets - such as Shias - and targets to the west - such as in Afghanistan - a lot more than they've targeted groups that operate against targets to the east. I wouldn't go so far as saying the latter have been left alone, but they've definitely been given more leeway.

I wonder if that will change. On the one hand, this crisis has shown that these groups can mean a lot of trouble for Pakistan, because bringing the state to the brink of war with a militarily and economically stronger rival is a seriously suboptimal outcome. On the other hand, the preceding reason could well be used to justify their continued existence. In other words, the severe imbalance of power between Pakistan and India could be interpreted as a reason to keep these groups hanging around, just in case.

2. What Barry-O is thinking right now

You know how I feel really sorry for? The guy who idealistically claimed throughout his campaign that we - whomever "we" may be - "will change America and change the world." As I said in another class I TA, Obama is barely going to be able to change the carpeting in the White House, forget the entire bloody world (and I say this as an Obama supporter).

One issue is simply the course of events, which are invariably more complicated once you're in power than when you talk about them as a dispassionate observer. If Obama was faced with this crisis as President, what would he have done? Nothing too different than George W. Bush, I would imagine.

A more important issue is what the underlying intellectual philosophy is that guides Obama's thoughts. He seems to come from a tradition of realism, especially when he says things like "I have enormous sympathy for the foreign policy of George H. W. Bush." Indeed, this is the exact reason he picked Robert Gates as Defense Secretary - not all that team of rivals nonsense. On the other hand, he's spoken about supporting democracies and interventions in places like Darfur that make him closer to the liberal hawk/interventionist camp in the U.S. (think Madeline Albright). So when he picks the liberal-hawk-to-end-all-
liberal-hawks (Hillary) to be Secretary of State, I don't know what to think about his philosphy on international relations. And not knowing his general intellectual persuasions makes it harder to guess what he would think or do in specific crises like this one.

I guess that's a lot for one email. I'll shut up now, and look forward to your thoughts.

Best regards,

Ahsan
____________________________________________________________________

Ahsan,

Using the 9/11 analogy or anticipating President Obama's stance on these attacks look at the situation from an America-centric perspective. While this may allow a greater degree of debate among scholars and laymen alike, it is best we set aside these distorting prisms if we want to examine the situation with clarity.

I have previously characterised contemporary India-Pakistan relations as a game where India faces three players on the Pakistani side. India would like to engage and give the benefit of the doubt to one player (now Zardari & Co, for the want of a better name), but contain or suppress the second (Gul & Co, again for the want of a better name). The third Pakistani player, Kayani & Co, stood in between the Zardari & Gul companies, with evolving relationships with either. The relationship between Zardari & Co and Gul & Co appears to India as antagonistic, but not beyond all doubt. The dynamics of this four-cornered relationship was evolving, and was perhaps headed for some stability, until the Mumbai terrorist attacks were executed by the Lashkar-e-Taiba, likely with the ISI's connivance.


The fact that the attacks were carried out, and allowed to be carried out suggests:


a) That whatever might be the long-term benefits of having a civilian dispensation in Pakistan, it is not a credible interlocutor in the short-term.


b) That, in the post-Musharraf dispensation, the quarters that control Pakistan's nuclear weapons and the quarters that control its jihadis are operating increasingly independently.


c) That unless India acts forcefully, it may have to live with an escalating level of terrorist attacks. The Mumbai blasts of 1993 set off the trend of serial blasts. The Mumbai blasts of 2006 set off a new series of synchronised bombings. The Mumbai attack of 2008 might indicate a new wave of urban guerilla warfare.

This suggests that India must match its long-term commitment to a Pakistan's internal reconciliation and democracy with a short-term disregard for the unwilling or impotent de jure rulers. India's response must not be constrained by the need to keep Zardari & Co in power.


Second, far from having no options, it must be noted that India has a few options: not conducting a punitive strike is an option; sending troops to Afghanistan is an option; working towards an international coalition (of the kind proposed by Robert Kagan recently) is an option; bridging the United States and Iran to make use of the land corridor from Bandar Abbas to Kabul via the Zaranj-Delaram highway is an option; lobbying the international community to tie economic aid to Pakistan to Islamabad's meeting concrete milestones is also an option. In fact, if it is established that Gul & Co conducted the Mumbai attacks independent of Kayani & Co, the nuclear dimension becomes more manageable.


Third, the Mumbai attackers might well have failed in a broad strategic sense: by uniting the fissiparous Indian polity on the need to defeat jihadi terrorism. True, the post-Mumbai spirit might fizzle out, but already, politicians and policymakers have come around to tackling terrorism in the right earnest.


As I write this, Zardari & Co have arrested a top-rung Lashkar-e-Taiba leader and raided its Muzzafarabad camps. Symbolic as it is, it is still a welcome move. But will the other players on the Pakistani side accept this quietly?

regards,

Nitin

Speaking of Prank Phone Calls

Sometimes you can be a bit too careful:

Florida Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen received a phone call from Obama yesterday to wish her congratulations on her re-election and to convey other political-type niceties — like the importance of working together.

Problem was, she didn’t believe it was him. She thought it was one of those wacky radio station stunts wherein a DJ gets you to believe he is someone famous. You know, like when Sarah Palin was spoofed into thinking she was talking to French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

Determined not to be “Palin-ized,” Ros-Lehtinen hung up on him.

So Obama’s head honcho Rahm Emanuel got involved and called her back. She promptly hung up on him too.

”I thought it was one of the radio stations in South Florida playing an incredible, elaborate, terrific prank on me,” Ros-Lehtinen told the Miami Herald. “They got Fidel Castro to go along. They’ve gotten Hugo Chavez and others to fall for their tricks. I said, ‘Oh, no, I won’t be punked’.”

It finally took Representative Howard Berman to get involved before she would believe Obama wanted to talk to her. Berman called his colleague, but she was wary of him too.

In fact, she demanded that Berman share a private joke they share to convince her that Berman was actually Berman.

No details of the private joke has emerged but that top-secret intelligence was enough for Ros-Lehtinen to believe that this was all for real.

She then told Berman to tell Obama to try again.

“I know this sounds very presumptuous, but please tell President-elect Obama he can call me now and I will take his call,” she said.

Pak and US

So this article in today's NYT was striking for a number of reasons, not least for its revelations about the views of the U.S. and its intentions in the region that exist among all stripes of Pakistanis - rich and poor, military and civilian, Shia and Sunni, Punjabi and Balochi. There are some remarkable but unsurprising tidbits in it, like this one:

“One of the biggest fears of the Pakistani military planners is the collaboration between India and Afghanistan to destroy Pakistan,” said a senior Pakistani government official involved in strategic planning, who insisted on anonymity as per diplomatic custom. “Some people feel the United States is colluding in this.”


And:

Some commentators suggest that the United States is actually financing the Taliban. The point is to tie down the Pakistani Army, they say, leaving the way open for the Americans to grab Pakistan’s nuclear weapons.


And, this, the kicker:

Recently, in the officer’s mess in Bajaur, the northern tribal region where the Pakistani Army is tied down fighting the militants, one officer offered his own theory: Osama bin Laden did not exist, he told a visiting journalist. Rather, he was a creation of the Americans, who needed an excuse to invade Afghanistan and encroach on Pakistan.


I've heard the OBL-is-a-CIA-agent one, but I have to confess, I have never heard the OBL-does-not-exist one. That's a new one for me.

As you can tell, I remain a heartfelt supporter of conspiracy theories. They always brighten up my day.

Be that as it may, I expect such conspiracy theorizing to gather pace in the months ahead as Pakistan destbailizes further - with the concomitant search for someone/something to blame - and as Pakistan's relationship with the U.S. deteriorates. The U.S., for its part, really doesn't help matters with its incessant drone/predator attacks in the tribal areas or with some fairly explicit threats against its purported ally:

On two other occasions, however, the situation could have gone out of hand as there was real worry over escalation of hostilities on the Durand Line border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. Once near Angoor Adda where South Waziristan is bounded by Afghanistan's Paktika province, Pakistan Army troops released artillery flares to light up the night-time sky and then the soldiers and the tribesmen fired at US jet-fighters and helicopters that clearly were intending to intrude into Pakistani territory for a possible ground assault. The magnesium-powder used in the parachute flares lit up the area with its whitish-reddish light and made it risky for the US Special Forces to attempt another ground operation in South Waziristan. The tribesmen, among them militants, used the Russian-made Dachaka guns to fire at the intruding choppers, which then landed in Afghan territory close to the border instead of crossing into Pakistani territory. A US Army brigadier contacted a Pakistan Army brigadier soon after the incident and threatened to send in B-52 bombers to 'plaster' Pakistani forces in the border area. The Pakistani military officer refused to be intimidated and asked his American counterpart to go ahead and do whatever he wanted. Later, senior US military officials contacted top Pakistan Army officers to calm down the situation and explain the circumstances in which the American brigadier made his provocative remarks to his Pakistani counterpart.


I just have one question: "plaster"?

Anyway, in related news, both the article I linked to earlier and Nick Kristof's op-ed call for the possibility of greater U.S. involvement in solving the Kashmir dispute with India. The argument is that easing Pakistan's concerns about its eastern border will allow it to do a better job of security on its western border. I said as much in a post around ten months ago, and I stand by my assessment today. Fortunately, I think the Obama administration is much more likely to take a holistic approach to questions of security and war and peace in the region. Unfortunately, I don't think it will matter a great deal, at least in the short and medium terms, primarily because:

1. It's unlikely that greater U.S. involvement in the Kashmir dispute is likely to morph into real pressure on India; more likely is the possibility that greater U.S. involvement = greater pressure on Pakistan.

2. Even if by magic some settlement on Kashmir is reached, our military establishment is still likely to conceive of its gravest strategic threats emanating from the eastern border, despite what anyone else may think about the matter. Put it this way: the perceived threat from India has only an indirect relationship to the Kashmir issue - what matters more is India's brute power relative to Pakistan (a heavy imbalance) and what appear to be the new strategic alignments in the region (China+Pakistan/U.S.+India).

The only way solving Kashmir is likely to affect Pakistan's strategic relationship with India is through the political process - that is, it is likely to make it less popular to hate India and more popular (or more easy) to say that warm relations with India are key to Pakistan's survival as a state (which, by the way, is my stance). But the political process, as it were, takes a long time to affect change, if ever. You could argue, for instance, that America's political process still conceives of Russia in 2008 as the Soviet Union in 1958, which helps explain their completely dysfunctional and blinkered view of the conflict with Georgia a couple of months ago. My point is that if your idea of optimism is based on the following causal relationship


Change in external environment (solve Kashmir)-->change in domestic politics (India=ok to like now)-->change in external environment (Pakistan cares more about Western border than Eastern border)


then you might have to wait a while.

How Big Is Pakistan?

The World Health Organization recently sent a team of experts to Pakistan to hold a workshop on the relationship between Patents and Public Health. The central thesis of the WHO workshops was that the governments of developing countries have to give priority to public health and ensure that they don't unwittingly sign implement Intellectual Property measures that will restrict public health.

The workshop is part of a global campaign by the WHO to equip developing countries with skills needed to combat what are known as "TRIPS-Plus" Intellectual Property measures. 1) (2) (3)

The three speakers, a Professor from Argentina who is a consultant for various UN bodies, the Director of WHO on I.P. Affairs (a Brazilian now based in Geneva), and the Head of Drug Registration in Thailand, are experts in the field. They gave comprehensive presentations over the course of 3 days and used countries in Latin America and Asia, including their own countries, as examples and further highlighted that several INGOs and UN bodies, also oppose TRIPS Plus measures.

During a tea break on the third day, a fellow participant, Dr. KM, and I caught up with the head of the Pakistani Patent Office and started having a chat with her about the workshop. Both Dr. KM and I represent the Pakistani generic pharmaceutical industry and were in high spirits as the speakers support a position that we've been advocating for years.

We asked the Controller of Patents if she thought the workshop would have an impact; in particular, we asked her if Pakistan would follow the example set by other developing countries and develop the oppressive I.P. measures that are being proposed? The Controller’s remark left us speechless:

“Dekhain, yay speaker tho chotay mulkon say hain, Pakistan aik bara mulk hai aur in logon kay example yahan apply karna mushkil hoga.”

What?

Since when did Pakistan become bigger than Brazil, or more economically powerful than Argentina or Thailand? I am convinced that the Controller wasn’t listening to a word what these guys were saying because one of the key examples they used was of India, a country that has time and again given priority to Public Health over suspect I.P. legislation that favours a handful of companies based in the U.S. and Western Europe, and no one can argue that India is bigger than Pakistan.

Well I guess the Controller of Patents can. So much for these gentlemen travelling from around the world trying to make some sense of a thorny issue, they might as well have spent their time having some delicious steaks, drinking sangria at a festival filled with dancing transsexuals, for all the good their workshop did.

Links:

(1) "TRIPS = Agreement on Trade Related Intellectual Property Rights" ainternational treaty that is part of the WTO regime. TRIPS plus relates to measures that are beyond the binding provisions of the TRIPS Agreement.

(2) Oxfam report on TRIPS Plus measures in Jordan.

(3) TRIPS Plus measures are increasingly being pushed down the throats of developing countries, like Pakistan, by the U.S. and E.U. as requirements for Free Trade Agreements and Aid Packages. There are however dissenting voices from within the U.S. Congress who believe that TRIPS measures ought to be removed from FTAs as they jeopardize Public Health; click here for the statement by Sen. Ted Kennedy and Rep. Henry Waxman.

Eunuchs

Witness the latest bizarre and depressing development from Karachi. According to Dawn, a “mysterious campaign” against eunuchs was launched this week, by persons unknown.


“F alias S told The News that last Saturday evening “she” along with her two other friends were standing at Haidery Market when five youths carrying sticks and wearing gray trousers and black shirts inscribed with “Police Security” took them away.

When “15” Madadgar policemen intercepted them, the youths aged 16 to 18 years said that they were taking them to the National Database and Registration Authority (Nadra) office to get their names registered there.

The eunuchs were driven in a van to the Super Highway where they were forced to massage the youths, said S, adding that the fake policemen also snatched money from them and abused her.

Later, the youths brought them near the terminal of G-13 mini-bus and gave them Rs20 (coins) at about 11.30 pm to leave town.

[F alias S] claimed that these people were posing as “government employees”, claiming that they had orders from Asif Ali Zardari to rid the city of eunuchs."

I don’t want to make light of what was no doubt a traumatic experience, but parts of this story are ridiculous.

Firstly, what the hell is the point of referring to someone as “F alias S”? Surely F is the alias. And if her name actually is F, then why mention it along with the alias, S?

Secondly, NADRA? For arguments sake, say you were one of the abductors in the aforementioned scenario, and the Madadgar 15 Police catch you with your pants down, along with your bored and ignorant friends, 3 eunuchs and some felonious t-shirts. One would expect you would have a nice, airtight excuse at the ready for just such an emergency. Surely you could'nt even hope to rely on the pathetic excuse for an excuse that is: “Oh Good Evening officer, me and my friends and my eunuchs are all on our way to NADRA”.

Dawn reports that this individual incident (inanity notwithstanding) is actually part of a wider ‘anti-eunuch campaign’. F Alias S continues:

"On October 23, said S, some youths took her friend from a marriage hall near Five Star roundabout and after subjecting her to a similar treatment they abandoned her on Super Highway by giving her Rs10 (coins)."

She asserts that this has happened to about 40 to 50 eunuchs from Nipa roundabout, Water Pump Chowrangi, Jail Chowrangi and other locales, all of whom are apparently still missing.

“If we have committed a crime then we should be arrested instead of being thrown into the jungle and abused,” she said adding that, she and her friends are now begging in localities instead of main markets."

If this is true, I find it quite saddening to note that some of the weakest members of our society prefer arrest by the Sindh Police over their current state of affairs.

I would also like to draw attention to the title and opening of the source article, which is annoying even if it isn't true:

‘Mysterious’ drive against eunuchs triggers health concerns'

Unknown elements have launched a mysterious campaign against eunuchs since the last week, triggering anxiety among non-governmental organisations working for the prevention of HIV/AIDS.

The NGOs fear that if this trend continues, it will force eunuchs to go underground and their alleged abuse might transmit Aids, Hepatitis and other diseases among the abusers since eunuchs are considered to be part of the high risk group.

According to DAWN, it appears that the primary issues of concern with respect to the abduction, extortion and sexual harassment of eunuchs are the health implications for the abductors and broader heterosexual society. I for one am glad they told me. Forewarned is forearmed.

Justice Cornelius

I'm undecided as to whether the Pakistani legal system, in its entirety, is a bit like a monkey in a suit. Or like W, looking ridiculous in his Vietnamese Ao Dai. Or like Wasi Zafar, pretending to be a Law Minister. In each instance, you have an already strange creature made to wear something that just doesn't fit because the whole outfit is designed for something altogether different.



Consider this news item, published without a blink of a reaction from anyone (including the lawyer's movement):

"PESHAWAR: Another eight alleged militants surrendered to police here Wednesday and were freed after they swore on the Holy Quran to refrain from any terrorist activity in future."

Before the occasional reactionary reader starts making presumptions and frothing at the mouth, I am not mocking the oath on the Quran or even expressing outrage at their pardon. I am simply questioning a legal system that permits police officers the power to pardon individuals who have admittedly been involved in shootings, killings and perhaps bombings. What about common murderers, or decoits, or carjackers? Slaps on the wrist and oaths on the Quran all round?

And I'm not even being sarcastic or facetious. The latter may actually be part of a better solution. Let me lend some authority to the notion. Even Justice A.R Cornelius, a former Chief Justice of Pakistan - who was both a student of the Shariah and a Christian - asserted:

"[The British] did great work in establishing a complete system of courts and judiciary, and furnishing an example to the people ,over about 200 years of how such a system can be run.

[However] they were operating a system of justice which was imposed upon the people and did not derive from the life of the people themselves.

...To a community, a wrong by one of its members of a nature which disturbs its peace would always appear in a limited light, namely in those lights which derive from considerations of the common welfare of the community. They would not be included to exaggerated the offense, but always to minimize it and keep it at a proper level. Thus for instance, any breach of the peace can be regarded either as a breach of the local peace or reach of the kings peace. The community would tend to keep it at the former level, but the laws are devised so that the State steps in to deal with all except the most trivial breaches and the matter assumes an extra communal aspect by the intervention of Police and magistrates in many cases where such intervention might have been avoided"

Some would say that Cornelius was a tad too enthusiastic in his efforts to establish symbolic continuity between the the Pakistani Legal System and the populace's Muslim heritage. At one stage he famously suggested that Pakistan should adopt a modernized version of the classical Quranic Hadd punishment for theft, namely severing the thief's arm. Rather than sever the arm altogether (a bit hardcore for Cornelius's liking), he proposed that the 'motor nerves' connecting the brain to the arm be disconnected, thereby rendering flaccid and inoperative.

Personally, I'd disagree with Cornelius's proposal. Hazrat Umar suspended the Hadd punishment of arm severance (for the crime of theft) during a famine, arguably on the basis of Istihsan (Juristic Preference), as societal circumstances prevented the Quranic rule from being applied without the contravention of core Quranic values of social justice and fairness. Justice is not a price that is paid for lip service to Quranic formalism, let alone for some false notion of continuity. As for the whole severance of the motor nerves business, it's creepy and lacks any sort of cultural resonance or logic, so it adds zero value.

And if, according to a Rashidun, juristic preference can dictate that the operation of a Quranic rule is to be suspended in the broader interests of justice and social utility, then why not suspend the law of the land of Pakistan? Why not pardon militants who have committed crimes against the state, but repented? If their repentance is bona-fide, then surely a pardon serves the agenda of reconciliation, cools temperatures in the NWFP, and its good for the country.

In that sense, I don't take issue with the pardon. I actually think its a good idea. I just wish that the administration of justice in Pakistan was more systematic and consistent. The real injustice for our people results not from the exercise of discretion itself, but the extra legal ad-hoc-ism that characterizes its application. It is the reason our common law system is yet to fit us, in our 60 years of independence.

Consider this:


"...Mr Bush grimaced repeatedly and shifted from foot to foot, a portrait of embarrassment in turquoise blue brocade with yellow trim. It was obvious he couldn't’t wait to get it off and sure enough, moments after the official photographs were taken, he strode away, ripped it off and folded it up."

Now just imagine if he had been wearing it faithfully and consistently for 60 years. And he fully intended to do so for the indefinite future. Maybe then he wouldn't have looked like a complete idiot masquerading as a statesman.

Among the Thugs

I recently read a book called "Among the Thugs" and I really can't recommend it strongly enough. If ever you guys are going to follow one of my recommendations, this would be the time. Just trust me on this.



What is the book about? Well, it's written by an American journalist who spent almost ten years with soccer hooligans in England (Man United fans, if you must know), and wrote about his experiences. The result is one of the most chilling and unnerving books you'll ever come across. Buford writes in such a disarming and matter-of-fact way, which makes his anecdotes about United fans "taking over Turin" or violently disrupting a dinner party of policemen in a Turkish restaurant in London or preparing for Chelsea fans in subway stations all the more powerful. I won't try to tell the stories here, because I simply will cheat you of the experience of reading them first hand. Instead, I'll concentrate a little bit on the sociological ideas that lurk beneath the surface in the book.

The one thing that stands out in the book - quite deliberately - is the illustration of the power of crowds and mobs. Buford highlights how mobs assume an identity unto themselves that is separate and distinct from the people that make them up. More importantly, however, is the idea that the members of the mob themselves change: they are no longer themselves, they no longer act like the accountant or plumber or clerk that they normally are, but as part of something bigger, something quite literally greater than themselves. Buford talks in length about crowds or mobs transforming from "they" to "it", the ultimate relinquishment of agency.

He also disabuses the reader of the notion that you or I would, under the same circumstances, behave any differently. What is clear from reading the book is that human beings have a savage side to them that cannot be hidden by an ivy-league education (some of the subjects of his book are actually quite well-to-do), only by the circumstances we choose to immerse ourselves in. We all have a little bit of crazy in us, and given the right surroundings, it WILL come out, no matter what you think of your oh-so-refined and bourgeois selves (these two famous psychology experiments showed how quickly and easily "normal" people can become intensely violent).

I only picked up the book because it was recommended to me by one of my professors here, during a class on ethnic violence. What does ethnic violence have to do with Manchester United fans wreaking havoc across the footballing centers of Europe? Why, I'm glad you asked!

The first point is something I've already touched on above: that of the mob assuming a singular identity over and above that of its constituents. The forces that can lead to the rape of 11 year-old Muslim girls and the slitting of fetuses of pregnant women are one and the same as the forces that lead to hooligans urinating in Italian cafes, pulling (yes, pulling, with bare fingers) out a policeman's eyeball from his head and kicking a youth to death simply because he happens to wear a shirt for a team not named Manchester United.

To call these acts "evil" is easy enough; to call their perpetrators the same is perhaps too easy. If these people were this evil, why wouldn't they be doing this stuff all the time? Well, because it takes being in a crowd for a certain side of you to come out. One of the great strengths of the book is the description, in intimate detail, of the escalation in passion that takes place within a crowd. Buford makes the very cogent argument that we know a great deal about what violent crowds do - we see pictures in newspapers and read articles in journals about the tremendous destruction that crowds can wring. But we know much less about how crowds become violent in the first place. We know a lot about the destination, but almost nothing about the journey. This is where Buford's contribution lies.

Another thread tying football hooliganism and ethnic violence together is the ascription of group identity. It turns out that one of the reasons for ethnic violence being so brutal and widely targeted within groups is the catch-all-ism of the entire enterprise. For instance, if you are standing in a group of Hindus, separated by some distance from a crowd of Muslims, and a stone is thrown by one adolescent from the Muslim side, it will be interpreted as "the Muslims are throwing stones". Retaliation against all Muslims is then not only "allowed" but also necessary.

(Read this paper for an argument of how successful ethnic cooperation rests on conquering that instinct. Essentially the argument is that groups get along best when the police themselves. In the hypothetical example above, for instance, no Hindu would touch even a single Muslim if a Muslim threw a stone. Instead, the Muslims themselves would punish the stone-thrower, and do so publicly, thus precluding the need for Hindus to take action against the entire group for the transgressions of a single member of the group).

The every-single-one-of-them-is-the-same-and-so-must-be-punished logic operates with football hooligans too. Buford cites the constant refrain of "their lads" when supporters of other teams are in the area in question. "Their lads" are consequently chased and beaten, and by this very act, all of "our lads" have become "their lads" to them, and the cycle is repeated endlessly.

Finally, and this is what struck me most about the book, is the notion of territoriality. When the United fans leave a trail of carnage behind them in Turin - the city of Juventus - they talk about having "taken the city." The metaphors are all war-related: taking cities, standing guard, lying in wait at tube stations as if planning an amphibious assault on Japanese shores, generals and lieutenants leading the pack, and so on. For the supporters/hooligans, it is war, much as ethnic violence is war in a much more tangible way.

Again, I can't say this enough: read this book. It's written lucidly and crisply, and the content will make you sit up on your chair (and may make you question this whole "human civilization" thing).

Marriott Blasts

A suicide bomber traveling in a truck has blown himself outside Marriott Hotel, Islamabad. It was a massive blast and the hotel is in ruins. The television pictures show many parts of the hotel on fire. The hotel's gas pipeline has burst making the situtation worse. The bombing occured around 8:05 p.m.

You can see live pictures via GEO, DAWN and AAJ.

The current death toll is 15 with at least 50 injured. These numbers may rise as all the people inside the hotel have not yet been accounted for.

The Islamabad Marriott is an upscale hotel that is the residence of choice for foreign travellers as well as rich local business travelers.

Geo is reporting that sources are claiming that they had reports that the Parliament House or
the Prime Minister's House was being targeted. Not sure if this blast is related or if that's a different threat.

Update - 8:57 p.m.

The Police and Fire Services officials are evacuating Marriott as they fear that the structure is about to collapse. The entire building is on fire. People are still trapped in the building.
The truck struck the security check post and appears to have been completely filled with explosives. A security official has stated that this is the most powerful bomb in Pakistani history.
Official death toll is now 24. That's just gone to 25.

Update - 9:05 p.m.

American and other foreign embassy officials have reached the scene. The hotel appears was near full occupancy. A large number of foreigners, including journalist covering Zardari's maiden speech to parliament were staying at the hotel. All the rooms in the hotel are on fire. The fire's raging.

Update - 9:18 p.m.

Interior Ministry has raised the death toll to 30. President's security adviser Rehman Malik has reached the scene. Owner of the hotel Sadruddin Hashwani is also on the scene, he's literally shaking.

The intensity of the blast can be gauged from the fact that 4 buildings around Marriott (located some way away) have been heavily damaged.

3 Americans and 1 Danish national are injured. 15 foreigners are reported to be still trapped inside.

I remember seeing the Sheraton Karachi after it was bombed a few years ago. The bombing in Islamabad is on another level. It's more reminiscent of the Oklahoma City bombings than any thing else I can recall.

Update - 9:31 p.m.

There were apparently 2 blasts, could be twin suicide blasts. First blast was aimed at the security check post, perhaps to allow the truck to head inside. The first blast did not fulfill this aim and then the truck blew up at the check post. Officials are claiming that there must have been around 400 - 500 kilograms of explosive material.

Jesus Christ, there were two kids shouting for help from one window. That room is now ablaze.

Figure for the death toll ranges from between 35 - 50; officials are claiming this may cross 100.


Update - 10:04 p.m.

Army Corps of Engineer have taken control of the operation. Trying to rescue the trapped as well as preventing the hotel from collapsing.

Death toll

Official / Geo / Dawn : 40
Din: 60
CNN: 50 (there reporter was inside Marriott at the time.)

The government is officially laying blame on the Taliban and other militants but no mention has been made of Al - Qaeda.

4 Germans and 1 Saudi are also among the injured.

Update - 10:21 p.m.

The Danish national injured in the blast is a diplomat.

Ishaq Dar of PML(N) is asked by Dawn News if his party will offer support to the government; he says they will but then he goes on talking about the restoration of the judiciary and the reason for PML N's exit from the coalition. The Dawn News guy wants to slap him, as do I. He calms himself down, I don't but can't slap him. He asks Ishaq Dar, again, "do you not agree that the security issue must take priority over other issues?" Ishaq replies "blah blah blah judge judges judges blah blah blah."

The PML N realy needs to understand what's actually happening in the country. They either seem unwilling or unable to comprehend the crisis afflicting the country. Not only is it bad policy, it's bad politics.


Update - 10:32

The Saudi Ambassador is on the scene. Confirms that there were a number of Saudi Airline staff in the building, of which 2 are injured and at PIMS. They are still trying to locate others.

Update - 10:47

Liaquat Baloch, a Jamaat Islami leader, is being interviewed. He claims that Zardari et al are not serious about solving problems afflicting the country. He states that the entire region has been set ablaze by 'foreign forces.' Just in case we didn't get what he was saying, he elaborates that 'foreign forces are to blame.' He then lays into the U.S. and the 'army regime.' He goes on to justify the actions of local militants by saying that if Pakistanis are going to be bombed by the U.S. and their own army, they will react. The inference here being that these people were innocent to begin with.

I.G. Islamabad says that the police was on red alert, there were serious threats and major government buildings were placed under a 'red zone.' The Marriott was not in this 'red zone' protection which may be why it was targetted. He has asked for more forces from the government. The army has been asked to aid the police. The explosive used seem to be the same as used to bomb the Danish Embassy says the I.G.

There is a 15 feet deep by 30 feet wide crater at the site.

Hotels in Islamabad, including Serena and Holiday Inn, have been evacuated.

Farhatullah Babar, spokesman PPPP - "The President's visit to the U.N., New York is sxpected to go ahead as scheduled." Surely the President will reconsider?

Update - 11:00 p.m.

The truck is reported to have been sighted on the roads for a couple of hours, was apparently unable to get to its primary target.

The entire Pakistani establishment - President, PM, Armed Forces Chiefs, Parlaiment and Senate leaders were all sitting in the same room, at an Iftar hosted by the President, when the bombing took place.

Official Death Toll: 47. Injured: 200.

Hospitals officials are reporting that they are running out of blood and are asking people to step forward and donate blood.

Update - 11:19

16 Saudi nationals injured, 6 are missing.

Countrywide Red Alert declared.

The explosives used in the bombing could be closer to 1 ton (1000 kg),double the original estimate.

Update - 11:27

It's almost 4 hours since the blast. No official statement has yet been released by any high ranking officials. Kamran Khan at Geo is going on about how our leaders are cowards.,I don't really know what they can say at this moment.

Update - 11:32

7 foreigners are confirmed dead.

AAJ showed pictures of 4 white men wearing flak jackets and carrying rifles (American soldiers?). The camera moved away after about 10 seconds, none of the other channels have shown this image. The media is being asked to vacate the immediate area. I would imagine that GEO would've run with this image so they must have been ordered not to carry these pictures.

Aamir Liaquat

Is there any scandal in Pakistan greater than the existence of televangelist Aamir Liaquat Khan? Somehow, he manages to up the ante on outrageousness with each passing year.

First, we found out that he had lied about his bachelor of arts and doctorate, both of which were obtained from the non-existent Delaware-based Trinity College and University Spain, within a span of less than a week (Ahsan, why is Chicago dragging its ass; you should be a tenured professor by now).

Then he decided he was above the law and damn any policeman who thought otherwise.

The drive against tinted glasses was abandoned late Wednesday night after four days during which 207 cases were registered and 228 people arrested. Sources in the police department said that a wireless message was aired from the city police chief Niaz Ahmed Siddiki that the campaign be stopped forthwith. The decision came after the State Minister for Religious Affairs Dr Amir Liaquat’s car was intercepted by Clifton police late Tuesday night. The car had tinted glasses and a fancy number plate. The minister was let off following intervention by the Sindh Home Minister Rauf Siddiqui...The police officials were admonished for intercepting the state minister’s car. After the home minister’s intervention, Dr Liaquat was let off. The police did not register any case against him.


And just to whet your appetite for his latest outrage, Liaquat used the occasion of Salman Rushdie's knighthood to call for his murder.

But his latest stunt may just be his worst yet and in a perfect world would land his ass in jail. The Daily Times, without mentioning his name (Aamir Liaquat), his television programme (Aalim Online) or his political affiliation (MQM, before they thankfully kicked him out for this offence), reports:

The International Federation of Journalists (IFJ) is “horrified” to learn that two Ahamadis were murdered shortly after a broadcaster on one of Pakistan’s main television channels urged viewers to kill “blasphemers” and “apostates” as a religious duty, the IFJ said in a statement on Friday.

According to available information, the anchor, in his widely viewed programme on September 7, declared that the murder of members of the Ahmadi sect was the righteous duty of people of the Islamic faith.

He followed this by urging two other participants on his programme, from different denominations of Islam, to endorse his viewpoint. The anchor, who is a former minister for religious affairs, reportedly obtained the endorsement he sought, the IFJ statement said.

On September 9, the anchor answered a query on a phone-in programme with the comment that those guilty of the alleged sin of blasphemy should be put to death, the statement said.

Within 18 hours of the first broadcast, Abdul Manan Siddiqui, a physician in Mirpurkhas, was murdered. He was the head of the Ahmadi community in Mirpurkhas, the IFJ quoted news reports...

The following day, Sheikh Muhammad Yousaf, a 75-year-old rice trader and district chief of the Ahmadi sect, was killed in the city of Nawab Shah, the IFJ said. He was reportedly shot at by motorcycle borne assailants.

Time details the bullying nature of the Jamaat-i-Islami's student wing, the IJT. I really cannot put into words how much these people piss me off. I mean, I can, but it would involve a lot of cursing, and we here at fiverupees like to keep it relatively clean.

This stuff is nothing new of course. There has been student violence in universities in Pakistan for the longest time. But what's changing is that instead of being political (i.e. the student wing of the JI beating up a kid from the student wing of the MQM or vice versa) it's becoming (become?) cultural. These JMMAs (Junior Mindless Medieval Assholes) want to stop "music, drama and dance" at universities, and have wanted to do so for quite a while now (check the date on the link provided). They sabotage fashion shows. They denounce secularism and liberalism, and have no qualms getting their message across violently. They destroy year-end projects for graduating students if they find them "objectionable". They beat up people for flirting (even if they turn out to be married). In short, they make an obscurantist, violent nuisance of themselves.

These issues orthogonally return to the question of the separation of church (or mosque, whatever) and state. The extreme right opposes any sort of secularisation of society, because it maintains that we were meant to be, and should be, an Islamic country. It is difficult to get into the "meant to be" part of the argument, because both secular people and Islamists can fish some quote or the other by Jinnah which supports their stand. Part of the problem is, of course, that Jinnah never unequivocally and categorically stated his vision of Pakistan. This is because he was (a) a politician and (b) a lawyer (no offense, NB and Alien Panda). Politicians and lawyers make a living prevaricating and vascillating, to the point where you can always find support for almost any theory (within reason) about any politician or lawyer. So there's no point getting into a black-hole argument with anyone about what Pakistan was "meant to be". There's simply no way of knowing.

There are plenty of valid arguments, however, for what Pakistan should be. Pakistan should be a Muslim country, not an Islamic one. One term term refers to the demographic make up of the population while the other connotes a politcal-legal patronage by the state. I advocate having man-made laws govern our civil lives. This fact does not preclude Quranic laws from governing our spiritual life. That is a point that must be emphasized. There are very few words that have been abused more than "secular". Secular does not mean an absence of religion or even a limitation of it. Secular means a separation of church and state. In other words, the state cannot legally favour one religion over another. This is an extremely important distinction. People are free to live their lives however they choose. Idiotic laws that ban hijabs or Jewish skull caps are not secular. They are totalitarian. In a truly secular society, if people feel that Islam should govern their lives, they should be free do make that choice and live they way they wish to. But what secularization ensures is that their choices don't govern my life. As they say, the freedom of your arm stops at the beginning of my nose.

I can predict the counter argument to my point: secularism is a Western idea. We are Muslims, and Muslims believe that the Quran provides a complete code for life, and we need not look for laws elsewhere when they are laid out for us by God. (I hope I'm not falling prey to the create-a-straw-man trap here, and by all means let me know if you think I have). There are two fundmental problems with the view just outlined.

Firstly, if you believe that Islam must govern our public lives, then I ask you: whose Islam? Sunni or Shia? Barelvi or Deobandi? Mystic, modern or medieval? This is a serious question that I have yet to hear a serious answer to. The most common one is: "The reason we have so many sects and divisions is because we have strayed from the path prescribed by the Quran. If we took its words at face-value, there could be no disagreement." That statement has two problems associated with it. One, the Quran does leave a certain amount to interpretation. This is a fact. Two, even if the statement were true - and, again, let me emphasize that it is not - how would one go about "converting" the people who don't adhere to the prescribed faith; the "true" meaning of the Quran? Would we tell them that they are wrong, and hope they see the error of their ways? Or would we go about it like the Taliban, who killed Shias for fun?

Secondly, an idea being Western in its origins does not necessarily make it unsuitable for non-Westerners in practice. By way of example, democracy is a Western idea. It is a fairly popular idea the world over, cutting across religous, ethnic, socio-economic and geo-political lines. And while there will be variations in how countries interpret the idea of democracy - in other words, America's democracy looks nothing like India's which looks nothing like Japan's - the important point to note is the widespread acceptance of the idea itself. Similarly, the merits of the idea of a secular government and legal system are not weakened by pointing out that its origins were of a different geographical space. That is neither here nor there.

One of the great strengths of secularism is that without any institutional backing, people are free to interpret and practice religion as they see fit. This was (and still is) largely the case throughout the Indian subcontinent, or indeed the Muslim world. The way a Kashmiri practices Islam is significantly different from the way a Pathan or a Bengali practices Islam. Secular systems put religion where it belongs: in the private sphere, where ownership of it is exclusively belongs to the believer. I should make clear when I say "private", I don't mean it as opposed to the term "public". I mean it as opposed to the term "Public". Capital "P". It should be clear that in a country like Pakistan, where a large majority of people are devout Muslims, that religion will always be in "public". By that I mean, people will always wear prayer caps, people will always go to mosques on Fridays and office work will always slow down in Ramazan. But Public religion entails something entirely different. It entails, for one thing, 4 witnesses being required for a rapist to be prosecuted. Can you see the difference?

It's important to note, lest I'm bombarded with accusations of being a Western-educated, jeans-wearing, scotch-drinking, orgy-partaking liberal scum, that there a number of precedents for the system I'm advocating. Indonesia. Malaysia. Tunisia. All three are Muslim countries, not Islamic ones. If you ask the average Indonesian, he would not consider himself any less of a Muslim than, say, a Saudi. Why should we be any different?

I should also note, somewhat tangentially, that implicit in a prescription for man-made laws is the assumption that our sensibilities and morals are informed by Islam, or religion in general. But it is essential that our reason acts as a middle-man, so to speak. In other words, we get our values from religion. Those values, when treated with our reason and our understanding of the modern world, will lead to a debate. That debate, once concluded, can lead to a law.

To clarify, I don't think for a second that secularizing Pakistan will immediately do away with the problems I outlined right at the beginning of this post, where the overzealous Thought and Moral Police feel it necessary to tell the rest of us what we can and cannot do. But it will help, because it will slide the chair of institutional countenence away from underneath them. There has to be, however, a two-pronged strategy with such behavior. This is something that I realized after a discussion with NB a few months ago on Hudood laws. I was insistent that for violence to recede against women in Pakistan, the Hudood laws have to go. Quickly. NB was of the opinion that it might not be worth the political capital, and that it should be tackled from a socio-cultural perspective, that is, teach people it's not cool to gang rape women. I thought it was a legal question, he thought it was a normative question. We were both right then, and the same arguments that apply to the Hudood question apply to the personal freedom question: both political-legal reform and socio-cultural change are sine qua non for any advancement on these issues. And both are, and will be, incredibly challenging.

Zardari

Pakistan has become so rogerred by its politicians that Pakistanis don’t even care if their political leaders are exposed as lying cheating scumbags. Take for example the recent unveiling of Mr. Zardari as a fraudster and dumbass extraordinaire.

Senator Prophet Asif Zardari, leader of the ruling political party of the country and the great unifier of this nation is revealed to have lied about his academic credentials. Mr. Zardari claims, in official records, that he is a graduate of the London School of Economics and Business. Trouble is, such an institution does not exist. There is a London School of Economics and there is a London Business School but they have yet to have a one night stand (stupid conservatives!) that produces an off-spring called the London School of Economics and Business.

Mr. Zardari refusing to bow down to this Zionist conspiracy has reiterated that the Degree is legit. He must be right, why else would the PPP official spokesperson also support this claim?

Here’s an excerpt from Dawn that makes it impossible to refute Mr. Zardari's claims:

In a written response to questions by this correspondent, PPP spokesman Farhatullah Babar said: “All that I can share with you on the basis of my information is that Mr Zardari passed his examination and qualified from Cadet College Petaro, Dadu. It was not a degree as the Petaro college is not a degree college.”

When asked about the institution from where Mr Zardari received his degree, he said "Mr Zardari studied business and economics in a school in London now called (the) London School of Economics and Business."

The PPP claims that Mr. Zardari received his graduation or equivalent degree in 1976 from this school.

Mr Babar said that academic qualifications from London School of Economics and Business were said to be equivalent to a degree, but he did not know the ‘exact title’ of Mr Zardari’s degree and address of the institution.

Stupid journos, asking for addresses and degree titles; who needs that shit! It’s 2008 baby, its all online! Dumbass, backward Pakistanis - how quaint though, bless them.

Can you imagine if it was revealed that Hillary, Obama or McCain lied about their education and submitted fake degrees from bogus institutions? You can’t, because they’re not stupid to pull of such a retarded stunt (well maybe Hillary is).

Zardari is in a league of his own not because he lied about his education or that he may have submitted forged documents – he’s a politician after all. The thing that makes Zardari a Jahil is him screwing up the name of the institution and that he couldn’t comprehend that anyone with internet could find out that he was lying. Or perhaps, more likely, he just doesn't give a fuck.

This of course is not the first time that Zardari has lied ("I did not get Murtaza killed"), sadly it also not the first time that a Pakistani politician has been caught with his pants down about his supposed education. The televangelist Amir Liaquat Hussain, a former MQM MNA and the then Minister of State for Religious Affairs, was exposed as a fraudster by Jamaat’s mouthpiece Daily Ummat. According to the Pakistan Tribune Mr. Liaquat received a Bachelor of Arts in Islamic Studies, a Masters of Arts in Islamic Studies and a PhD of Philosophy in Islamic Studies from Trinity College and University – a ‘degree’ awarding online institution.

Mr. Liaquat is quite proud of his academic achievements and openly touts these Degrees as a symbol of his modern-ness and his doctor-ness – he has an online PhD after all! In fact he’s so proud of this whole online thing that he calls his show, shown daily on GEO, Aalim Online.

Now get ready for the best part of this – Aalim Online Dr. Amir Liaquat received his MA on March 15th 2002 and his PhD on April 5th 2002. That’s 21 days for a PhD. Ahsan, dude, you must be a real dumbass for taking so long; in fact, by my calculations, you are 70 times stupider than Dr. Liaquat (that is if the PhD only takes you 4 years after the MA,).

The thing is I don’t particularly care if a politician has a degree or not, an education can only teach you so much. But I do care when a politician has absolutely no respect for the public and considers them to be idiots.

Here’s hoping for a day when Pakistani politicians care enough for their people to invest some more time in their lies.

Electricity

t's always entertaining to see the 1st world react to a 3rd world type incident. It seems that the UK had some massive power failures and blackouts on the 27th of May:

"After two power stations suddenly shut down within minutes of one another at midday, nine “generating units” also shut, and at least four other power stations suffered failures throughout the day."

"Operations were cancelled, people were stuck in lifts, traffic lights failed and fire engines were sent out on false alarms. Householders were unable to use any appliances or make phone calls..."

Boo frikkin Hoo.

I'm going to suggest that the West adopt and adapt the concept of 'fasting' from Islam. In fact, I propose specifically that Power cuts become the new 1st world 'roza', instilling patience and fortitude in fat TV addicted Americans everywhere, and engendering some much needed empathy for people in other parts of the world who have to live with KESC and the planets most infuriatingly inefficient electricity distribution grid. I propose that all North American and European households go without power from dawn till dusk, Muslim style. At sunset, they can power up to their hearts content, and switch on the mains to an orgy of television, e-mail, internet porn, microwaving, Plastation/Xbox/Wii, Youtube, Facebook and mobile phone charging. Electric Jalebis if you will.

I would also propose that they commence this new tradition only after I have left London and returned to my humble, bubble enclave home in Karachi, and have activated my extremely noisy, socially abrasive and potent generator. On a related note, readers please take notice of the website known as 'DHA Living' and be appalled and amused in equal measure at the heading which reads:

DHA Living

'Life in the Bubble'

That heading is then followed by the image reproduced below, of two burgers literally floating around in a bubble with an American style trash can full of crap outside the bubble on some imaginary grassy pavement on a road known as "Khayabane - DHA"


When was the last time anyone saw a grassy pavement, even in Defence? What lies. And what self respecting Pakistani will use an American style trash can when there is a perfectly good empty plot next door that belongs to some anonymous Memon who probably deserves to have your disgusting rotten aloo chilkas and keema thrown all over his property? What will these desi burgers think of next?

I can't answer that question. But I can tell you what the 'burgers in a bubble' at Times Online thought of next after witnessing Britain's 'society-shattering' power cuts: A top ten list, of stuff to do when the power cuts. The applicability of this list to the resident Karachi-ite is something that I will now consider, in my capacity as an objective and slightly annoyed Pakistani. I have reproduced it in full below, with my comments in italics.

10 Bring those little solar-powered lights in from the garden

No point letting the foxes get all the benefit of our space-age technology. If you've thought ahead and bought one of those solar-powered iPod chargers (and assuming for one moment that we've had some nice weather) then charge up your iPod. Because you can

Solar powered lights? What the hell kind of an idea is a Solar Powered Light? What the hell is the purpose of a light powered by sunlight? Desi's are too practical to invent such things. We invented UPS. Because only in your decadent West is the power polite enough to go exclusively the daytime.

9 Eat all the ice-cream in the freezer

It'll only melt otherwise. And melted then refrozen ice-cream is horrid. While you're at it, see if there's any beer or white wine in the fridge. They're just not the same warm and whereas, technically, you can re-cool beer you're going to need something to get you through the next few hours

Taubah. Firstly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with ice-cream that has melted into liquid and then re-frozen into congealed ice-cream paste. That is why the ice cream tub was invented (the rectangular cardboard Igloo ice cream packs were completely useless at retaining precious melted ice cream fluid).

Secondly, trust the English to use a blackout as an excuse to get plastered. No self respecting desi above the age of 16 will drink all their beer and white wine just because the powers gone. They leave it in the fridge (which stays cool for at least 6-7 hours). And they will continue to leave it in the fridge thereafter, because really, its for the guests anyway.

8 For that matter eat every biscuit, cake, and piece of fruit in the house

Even if you have a gas oven, there's still no sense in cooking anything. You're in the grip of a drama and it's important to enter into the spirit of the thing.

Shutup. This is why the caricature of a fat, drunken biscuit eating solar-powered-light-having imbecile is so pervasive in the East. "Grip of a Drama"? One slap you deserve. Put down the biscuit, light some candles, and get to making chapatis on your gas hob like everyone else.

7 Wake the kids up

If the power cut happens after the hours of darkness, and let's face it every blackout worthy of the name does, then it's important that you don't deny your offspring the character-building Blitz Spirit experience of being dragged from their bed and having terrifying M.R. James stories read to them by a torch-wielding parent.

It is well established that all fathers use the notion of 'Character Building' as an excuse to torture their children for their own amusement. That notwithstanding, in Pakistan, only a truly selfish bastard would wake the kids for 'Character Building'. If your kids have managed to get to sleep during load shedding, despite the heat and after multiple cold showers in their shorts and t-shirts, then LET THEM SLEEP. A blackout is no time to fulfill your retarded fantasy of being some cereal box dad who wakes up his two sweaty children only to stick a torch in their face and petrify them with stories about jinns and bhoots.

6 Play Snake on your mobile

Yes, it's true that your mobile phone might be the only reliable alarm clock left in the house and that if the outage continues after bedtime there's no reliable means of rousing yourself for work the following morning, but there's no better use of your limited battery power than testing your reflexes against the ubiquitous and addictive Nokia serpent-steering game. Besides, you have got that solar charger haven't you?

Yes. Waste your precious battery on the most useless game known to man. Then feel like a gigantic twat when you need to call the hospital or the office and your phones are dead and your battery's dead, and you don't have the numbers anyway because they were saved on your phone.

5 Think about any elderly or vulnerable neighbours you might have

Pop around and make sure they're alright. Take a flask of tea over if you can. They'll probably know some great old Vera Lynn songs you can sing

Why would you take tea to your neighbors house? That would piss them off like no other, unless your neighbors are stingy and strangely tea-less. Trying to then sing some strange woman's songs would probably add insult to injury.

4 Indulge in a little amateur astronomy

If the power cut is widespread enough it should have a marked effect on the light pollution in your area. Get the whole family out in the street to look at the stars. With any luck someone else in your road will have had the same idea and you can enjoy a rare neighbourly bond as you speculate wildly about the possible duration of the outage

Stars dont exist in Karachi. You'd have to drive to the beach, and even then you can barely make out Venus.

3 Read a book

If you're on your own, you'll find a quiet read by candlelight is a quite distinct experience from the snatched half a chapter on a busy commuter train. If you have any Dickens or Austen in the house, enjoy the classics the way their original readers did

Only AKS would attempt this. The amount of abuse that he would consequently receive from me and Ahsan would deter anyone else from following suit.

2 Do all the sensible things: unplug computers, TVs, Sky boxes etc

After all, power cuts are fun at first but you don't want to be dealing with a blown fuse when everyone else has their power back

Sometimes the power goes for two minutes, comes back and then goes again for three minutes and then comes back. I would love to watch some idiotic biscuit eating Times online author spend his entire day unplugging and plugging all of his household appliances.

1 Have sex

Despite persistent rumours, there was no “Baby Boom" nine months after the great New York Blackout of 1965. Nevertheless, a power cut is a tremendous excuse for an early night, and it's not as if you can really read a book

FINALLY. Something upon which Pakistanis and Westerners can agree upon. Let us revel in the glory of our shared Number One choice of activity!

Also, while theyre may not have been a baby boom in New York, there has been one in Pakistan. In fact, we've grown from 30 million at partition to 160 million to date. I'd submit that this is largley because we don't have electricity, or cable, or any form of game show or reality TV, or parks, or enough Fun-Lands/Cliftons, or bowling alleys or an abundance of cinemas. Combined with our perpetual blackout, the result is that the Number One pastime of the entire country at pretty much all times is conjugal relations. Babies are an annoying byproduct.

I think I have now spent the last of my vitriol for the Times Online. I will now go and watch TV.

Most Unexpected Craigslist Ad Ever

Roger Miller of Mission of Burma is offering guitar lessons. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a member of one of the finest rock bands ever. Anyone in the Boston area should take up this offer immediately.

Check them out performing their greatest song Thats When I Reach For My Revolver in 2006.

Halfway Crazy

Here is an example of why the Pakistani media may be among the laziest and most dishonest in the world.

From Dawn newspaper

Man held for ‘desecrating’ Holy Quran



By Our Correspondent


SIALKOT, July 8: Badiana police arrested a man for desecration of the Holy Quran on Saturday night.

Talib Husain took some copies of the Holy Quran from the village’s mosque and burnt the same in front of his house in Panwana village, Badiana, Pasrur tehsil.

The area people became infuriated and thrashed the accused. Police reached the spot and arrested him

The headline, through it use of scare quotes, seems to imply that the Quran was not desecrated, yet the very first sentence of the story presents this supposed desecration as fact. The second sentence, with equal credulity, narrates the point of view of someone who is clearly opposed to the alleged perpetrator.
Given that there have been numerous such cases that turned out to be fraudulent, a little skepticism is in order here. And don't even mention the fact that maybe tearing up a book isn't a crime. This is Pakistan after all.

Five Days That Shook The World

Blender, in typically clueless fashion, counts down the 100 days that changed music. Among the oddities, the release of Radiohead's Kid A, Depeche Mode selling out the Rose Bowl and Scarface topping the VHS rental list. Here are five far more important days than the ones they picked.

1- Nirvana's Nevermind dethrones Michael Jackson's Dangerous off the top of the Billboard charts.
2- Blur and Oasis simultaneously release Country House and Roll With It, respectively marking the commercial high point and inevitable artistic decline of Britpop.
3- The release of Stravinsky's Rites of Spring. Without him there would be no Velvet Underground, Television and Sonic Youth.
4- Lester Bangs reviews Patti Smith's Horses, bringing the CBGB scene to the world's notice.
5) Bob Marley and the Wailer release their first album.

Wag The Dog

I believe Aamir Ahmed Khan (one of Pakistan's finest journalists) is mistaken when he attributes the government's decision to finally take on the Lal Masjid extremists to Chinese pressure. The Chinese 'madam' had already been released when the operation began. See this earlier post for what I think really explains the timing for this much-needed action.

Word Perfect

The Guardian asks, "What's a perfect line in poetry?" Here's my nomination:

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in the night. God said, Let Newton be! and all was light!
Alexander Pope

Hat tip: Cheryl Miller at The American Scene

Jamie Lee Curtis Discovers Reality TV

Jamie Lee Curtis (star of ummm... that rubbish sitcom with Richard Lewis) watches a reality show and dosen't like what she sees.

Money quote

I understand there are many of these shows now. All "elimination"-based and faux reality. Real like a firing squad. I understand there is a good side, a jubilant winner getting their shot at fame and fortunes, but the bulk of the watching, I gather, is some communal elimination where the audience gets a hand in the stone-throwing. It begs the question of why we feel the need to watch this. Are we all so unhappy in our own lives we need the fix of watching another human go into the gladiator ring and come out a bloody, eviscerated mess? What does Russell Crowe scream in Gladiator -- "Are you not entertained"?

Dear Jamie, we had this debate four years ago and decided reality tv was soul sucking, voyeuristic and degrading. Then we continued to watch Survivor, Big Brother and American Idol. Leave us alone.